"God expected me to have more faith after all these years"
How it sounds in your head: You still doubt sometimes. You still worry about money, about your kids, about what happens next. You've been walking with God for 60+ years and you think faith should be automatic by now. Your wavering must disappoint Him after all the time He's invested in you.
"Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, 'Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!'"
-- Mark 9:24Religion teaching that faith is a performance metric that should improve with age, erasing the truth that faith is a GIFT, not an achievement.
You compare yourself to Bible heroes and feel like your faith is weak. You think you should have 'arrived' spiritually by 85. When you still struggle with doubt, it feels like proof you've failed at growing in faith. Church culture measures maturity by certainty, making your questions feel like regression.
Thomas doubted the resurrection even after the other disciples testified. Jesus didn't reject him - He SHOWED UP specifically for Thomas, invited him to touch the wounds, and called him to belief. Thomas's doubt didn't disqualify him from encountering Jesus or being used mightily in building the early church.
I REFUSE the lie that God expected more faith from me by now. IT IS WRITTEN that even a father crying 'help my unbelief' saw Jesus move with power. Faith is not a performance metric I must achieve - it's a GIFT God gives. IT IS WRITTEN in Ephesians 2:8 that faith itself is the GIFT of God, not of myself. My wavering doesn't disappoint the Father; my turning to Him IN the doubt delights Him. He doesn't measure my certainty; He celebrates my REACHING for Him.
The Father doesn't look at your 60+ years of walking with Him and grade your faith like a report card. He sees a daughter who kept showing up through every doubt, every question, every wavering moment - and He's so PROUD of your tenacity, not disappointed in your humanity.