"Even God sees me as an addict trying hard, not a daughter made new."
How it sounds in your head: I know God forgives me, but I imagine Him still seeing me through the lens of all those years of addiction. Even though I've been clean for decades, I picture Him watching me carefully, hoping I don't slip, seeing me as 'the addict He's helping' rather than just His daughter. At ninety, I still feel like I'm on spiritual probation rather than fully accepted.
"The Lord your God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
-- Zephaniah 3:17Religious teaching projected human disappointment onto God, making Him a suspicious parole officer instead of a celebrating Father.
Decades of seeing herself through the shame lens makes it impossible to imagine God seeing her differently. If she can't forget her addict identity, surely the all-knowing God can't either.
A lifetime criminal, dying for crimes he admitted he deserved to die for, with ZERO time to prove himself changed or work a program. Jesus didn't see him as 'criminal trying hard' - He saw him as WORTHY OF PARADISE that very day, no probation, no proving period, immediate full acceptance based on one moment of faith!
I REFUSE the lie that God sees me as an addict on probation! IT IS WRITTEN that He REJOICES over me with SINGING - not suspicious watching but CELEBRATING! God doesn't see me through the lens of my past; He sees me through the lens of His Son's righteousness! I am not 'the addict He's helping' - I am His BELOVED DAUGHTER in whom He is WELL PLEASED! IT IS WRITTEN that there is NO condemnation for me in Christ Jesus - God has no 'yes, but' in His acceptance of me! The Father ran toward the prodigal who STILL SMELLED LIKE PIGS and threw a party - He's not monitoring my recovery, He's CELEBRATING my identity! The BARAK blessing means I stand before God fully blessed, fully accepted, fully celebrated - just like Abraham who lied, Isaac who deceived, and Jacob who schemed, yet GOD CALLED THEM HIS OWN!
Darling daughter, the Father is not watching you with arms crossed, hoping you don't fail. He's watching you with arms OPEN, already calling you RIGHTEOUS, already calling you ACCEPTED, already singing over you with joy because He sees you through Jesus, and Jesus has NO addiction in His record!