"If I really trusted God, I wouldn't need anxiety medication near death."
How it sounds in your head: I'm afraid of the dying process, and they've given me Ativan for the panic. But shouldn't my faith be strong enough after all these years? What does it say about my trust in God that I need pills to face eternity? I feel like I'm failing the final exam of faith.
"Then He said to them, 'My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.'"
-- Matthew 26:38Religious expectation that perfect faith eliminates all fear, denying the reality that Jesus Himself experienced deep distress before death.
After ninety-plus years of faith, there's an expectation that death should be faced serenely without chemical help. The anxiety feels like evidence that decades of belief weren't enough, and needing medication to calm the fear feels like spiritual failure at the finish line.
Jesus, perfect in faith, experienced such intense agony facing death that He sweat drops of blood and needed an angel to strengthen Him. If He needed supernatural support in facing death, you're in perfect company needing medication.
I REFUSE the lie that anxiety about death means failed faith. IT IS WRITTEN that Jesus Himself was exceedingly sorrowful facing death and needed an angel to strengthen Him. My anxiety medication is not weakness—it's wisdom accepting the help God provides. IT IS WRITTEN that He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind, and my medication helps restore that sound mind. I am covered by the BARAK blessing, which includes peace in my going out and coming in—even my final going out from this life into the next. I face eternity held by grace, not graded on my emotional performance. My Father understands my humanity because He became human.
Your Father is not disappointed that you need Ativan—He's the One who gave chemists the knowledge to create it. He knows you're facing the unknown, and He doesn't expect you to do it with superhuman calm. He sent an angel to strengthen His own Son; He's sent you medication and His presence.