"If I go back to church, they'll just expect me to be perfect and judge me."
How it sounds in your head: I've messed up too much. If they knew what I did last weekend, they'd kick me out. I can't keep up the Sunday morning act. They'll want me to clean up first, get my life together, stop struggling. I'm not ready for that performance.
"When Jesus heard that, He said to them, 'Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. But go and learn what this means: I desire mercy and not sacrifice. For I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.'"
-- Matthew 9:12-13Source: Religion's message that you must GET clean to COME clean, reversing the Gospel of come as you are.
He has experienced subtle or overt judgment for not meeting church culture standards, creating shame that says he must perform before he belongs. The gap between his current life and perceived church expectations feels insurmountable.
Jesus had a theological conversation with a woman who had FIVE failed marriages and was currently living with a man she wasn't married to. He didn't say 'clean up first'—He offered her living water IMMEDIATELY, in her mess, and made her the first evangelist to her city.
I REFUSE the lie that I must be perfect to belong. IT IS WRITTEN that Jesus came to call SINNERS, not the righteous—I qualify exactly as I am. I am not coming to church to perform; I am coming HOME to family. There is NO CONDEMNATION for me in Christ Jesus—not after I get better, but RIGHT NOW. IT IS WRITTEN that while I was STILL a sinner, Christ died for me. I am under the BARAK blessing that protected liars, deceivers, and failures. I am not an actor on stage; I am a son at the table, mess and all.
The Father is running toward you saying, 'I don't want your performance; I want your PRESENCE. Come now, not later. Come messy, not cleaned up. The older brother demands perfection; I'm throwing a party for the PRODIGAL. Your seat at the table has been waiting—ring, robe, sandals ready. Come HOME.'