"God only tolerates me; He doesn't actually delight in me like wanted children."
How it sounds in your head: God's not angry with you—He's just... indifferent. Like a teacher who didn't choose you for their class but has to deal with you anyway. Professional courtesy, not fatherly affection. After 90 years, you've felt His tolerance but never His delight. Wanted kids get delight; accidents get endurance.
"He brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me because He DELIGHTED in me."
-- Psalm 18:19Enemy substitutes TOLERANCE for LOVE, making you believe God's feelings toward you are dutiful obligation rather than passionate affection, which poisons prayer, worship, and hope.
Because you've projected earthly parental indifference onto Heavenly Father—if earthly parents merely tolerated you, surely God does too. You've never felt DELIGHTED in, so you assume God feels the same cordial distance you've always known.
Jacob was running away as a DECEIVER who'd just stolen his brother's blessing through lies—morally compromised, fleeing consequences. God appeared to him and said 'I am with you, I will keep you WHEREVER you go, I will NOT leave you'—unconditional commitment to a liar, based on covenant, not character. God DELIGHTED in the promise, not the performance.
I REFUSE the lie that God merely tolerates me without delight. IT IS WRITTEN that He delivered me because He DELIGHTED in me—His actions flow from JOY, not duty. I am not an obligation; I am a DESIRE of His heart. IT IS WRITTEN that the Father Himself LOVES me, and His banner over me is LOVE. The BARAK blessing means I carry His favor not because I was planned by humans but because I was CHOSEN by Heaven. I am DELIGHTED in, ENJOYED, bringing JOY to the Father's heart. He SINGS over me with gladness.
The Father doesn't endure you; He ENJOYS you. Every moment of your 90+ years has been watched with affection, not assessment. He's not waiting for you to become delightful—He's BEEN delighted the whole time.